....thoughts on faith....

The following piece is excerpts from journal entries edited and tied together, to form a view I am currently still processing...

I'm coming into a consciousness of something I have dreamed of. I'm stepping out, well that's what I feel, I see a pot stirring. My spirituality lies in "Christianity" that's where it was birthed. I was "blessed' to have gifts/talents given to me by the creator, by "God". In pentecostal churches is where it grew , but recently in the past 2 years I have been awakened, had an unveiling you might say to the pharisitical and legalistic manner of these establishments not just through personal experiences, but from what I understand as the 'Spirit of God'. My personal opinion is that the current state of the church is infected with cancers, all are affected, to varying degrees yes, but all are affected, even myself. It is said that we are one body with many parts even if you are a finger nail, a hair, a skin cell. Your part of that body, that life, feeding on others energy and feeding others with your energy both negative and positive. Hence why everybody is affected.

Unfortunately, you might say, I do not want much to do with the church now. I've pulled out all I see is "plastic people", I dont want just sunday catch ups sharing the regrets and pains of the past or the hopes and dreams of the future. I want now to be the focus. What is it now that is giving me pain, joy, release, excitment, fear, anger? I want to show my pain, my joy, my fear, my anger. But do it with one important teaching...love...if i go out angry and wanting people know how I feel and making them feel "bad", I am nothing but a self centred ego-maniac looking to eat your energy...

...reduce the lag, catch the now

I've read a book recently titled "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle, and from that book I have felt an awakening of sorts. I'm coming to the conclusion that living now, being present and concious of the moment, is the thing for me, to be free of worry and concern to be "up front" as Tom Wolfe discribes in " the electric kool-aid acid test", to "let the chips fall where they may" Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) would say, is the thing in that I shall find peace and connectedness with "being" (God). "In the stillnes (the moment/the now) I am there" says the scriptures, the story of Elijah waiting for God in the cave. There was wind, fire, earthquake and then stillness and in that stillness God spoke with a still small voice, God came when there was no distraction, no fear, no anxiety, when Elijah was concious and alert...."stillness is language God speaks, and everything else is a bad translation"-unknown..."go to your cave and find your power animal" says the group councillor in "Fight Club", what is my "power animal"?, my "power animal" is my conciousness of now, of this moment...

"On the surface, the present moment is "what happens". Since what happens changes continuously, it seems that every day of your life consists of thousands of moments in which different things happen. Time is seen as the endless succesion of moments, some "good", some "bad". Yet, if you look more closely, that is to say, through your own immediate experience, you find that there are not moments at all, you discover that there is ever only this moment. Life is now. Your entire life unfolds in this constant now. Even past and future moments only exist when you remember them or anticipate them, and you do so by thinking about them in the only moment there is: this one"-Eckhart Tolle

"Nomadic Savior"

It was all done in about an hour and whilst going through the process I came up with the following words just flowing outta the nib of my pen onto an old docket,

He wanted you to come,

He invited you to his table,

     But you turned not willing to listen to his tale.           

He wished to tell you of his life,

and how it was used in the worlds most famous sale.

His life was used to get you outta jail.

If you listen you may hear this nomad calling,

calling you,

calling you,

please come, please come to my table,

and together we'll dine whilst I tell you my tale.

040620111631

"CHURCH. FAITH. RELIGION. GOD. gods. SECULAR. MASS. COMMUNE. SOCIETY. LIFE. DEATH. AFTERLIFE. RESURRECTION. RE-INCARNATION. I have no idea I know and I know I am repeating myself, that a higher power exists, but I DO NOT want to associate myself with a group, family, gathering loaded with hypocrosy, legalism and bondage. It's the bound binding the bound, "free yourself and come and bind yorself to this legalism, let us teach you to bind yourself to this legalistic freedom".
That is what I see. I know by experience that the great I AM exists. I've seen, I've felt and I've heard many things and many of those things have been confirmed by a change, a ripple, a flow in a different or less restricted manor. Thousands of people can't be wrong in what they've experienced but they can be collectively mis-guided not as a whole group but many sub groups of mis-guided souls, beings, lives."

I wrote this the other day and to be honest it's only a tip of how I feel towards religion/s and/or faith/s...I dont feel pleased to call myself a christian anymore none of it makes me proud...dont get me wrong there are events and people that excite my spirit but as a whole the church is nothing but frustration to me filled with (c)answers...I have not completed my journey, in death, than I will be complete my story will conclude and a new one will begin....hopefully I have chosen the right path...

just toolin around

got some foam brushes with a wedge cut thought i'd try em out and came up with this....overall I was happy with what they can do but the general output I am not entirly happy it would of been gret if I didn't put the shitty sunset on there...yeh it's set for distruction to be born again in a new form...I going to conceal it a beautiful cocoon of primer and what hideous beast will emerge is anyones guess...i should of left the female form as is it just seems cliche'd like eighties sexy advertiseing for the bahahma's or some other tropical over populated by seasonal imigrants island....

"4t shades of ugly"

This one came about during conversation with my mate Mr Mac. we were talking about art and artists ect and talking about organic art referencing to Jackson Pollock, who is well known for his "splat paintings" and one of my favorite artists...anyways I showed Mr Mac. my most recent piece "Garden in his delerious dream" and got talking how it took a very short time but came with such ease and felt purposeful whilst doing  it wasn't just random.
So while I was doing this with the majority in my head I also had some thoughts flowing around like wine in a glass before a tasteing, I was thinking how tired I was feeling after getting home at 5am sleeping for 4 hours getting up for a bit then sleeping for another 2...and i was thinking how in the past I have done a lot of my writing scetching and painting either fatigued, depressed or when there was just general friction in life and it made me think of creation and whether the Great I AM did his creating in similar circumstances say after the fall....I was also thinking about societies fetsish with perfection and how much bullshit there is to do with aiming for pefection where with quite a large possiblity of becoming more imperfect in it's quest, as Brad Pitt said whilst portraying Tyler Durton in the film Fight Club "self improvement is masterbation"...then I thought of society being like  Frankenstien's modern monster both feared and loved by it's creator...

...so with all thst swimming around I came up with the following which is sort of  a self portrait yet not, the title came from work the other when a collegue said "who put you on the gate" and I repied with "well it's not my fault I'm forty shades of ugly"...

Once again I have gone over a previous picture "Rocket Horse"...it seemed to umm processed and un-natural...I also gave multiple shots to just give different perspective etc and it was still wet all the paint was applied whilst the other layers were still wet...

Good Bye Kal...

So I got rid of curvy Kal and I came up with something a lot more organic...

I did this in an hour or so all the paint apply was layered on stille wet paint...I've titled it "A graden in his deliriuos dream" from a poem of sorts I wrote many years ago...

"Rocket Horse"

"Rocket Horse"-came about like the previous 3 pictures around ten+ years ago. I enjoyed re-priming this canvas as i see the former art (something I found on the side of the road) as fast food art, yes somebody came up with the idea but then it's screen printed and mass produced for people to lazy to create something that truly represents them, not that I think food represents you, it's Ikea art that comes in kit form. Most of them then were done in a simply "lets draw something" mood, I look at them now and think back and see meaning. For "Rocket Horse" it is escapism, I did a lot of that my room back then it was literally my cave, there I knew it was safe to be me it was my world what happened there was more real than out there in reality...the red paint splatters around the flames was a spare of the moment thing, it really means nothing but it adds a nice touch all the same. I guess you could say the tornado repesents stress tension and the sailing ship another form of escaping  that tension, but ultimately you have to abandone all and create a new world free of stress but full of it at the same time. Escaping is a wonderful thing but it is also terribly lonely, no-one to share the pain, anger and hear you out, you end up listening to yourself over and over again, it's tiresome...

Anyways...

easy easel

some cutting

Some glueing

Standing 2.2 metres high it aint so shabby

these were a little tricky, cut by hand they do the job

I was about 4mm out on the brace for the upright but I worked with it, also it has a slight wobble

So I finally got me own easel and I made it myself....it has a few little issues, but someone with a limited wood working skill range I think I did alright...

"Sad Joe"

Here we have a pic a drew up around 11 years in an A4 journal and now have coverted it onto linen 50x76.5 cm in diameter. I used charcoal and general house paint to prime it...."sad Joe" was probaby drawn during one of my many depressive periods, which has inspired a great portion of my art...  

Photos and Epic Fail on "Kurvy Kal"

primed linen with a light coat of blue aerosole paint

these were too black

....and fail

I ran out of aerosle whilst completing "Kurvy Kal", hence the large streaks of blue, I improvised with an old pump spray bottle with some paint and water mixed in and that gave a much more wanted effect. Unfortunately "Kurvy Kal" wont be lasting much longer and is set for re-priming

"F(L)AT WHITE" update and intro to "Curvy Kal"

So know I have the finished product of "F(L)AT WHITE) in photo format. Also are some shots of my new project "Curvy Kal"....a piece I started around the same time as "Red Bucket Black Sadness"...

So there you have it.....

"Red Bucket Black Sadness"

The title "Red bucket Black Sadness" came to me whilst completing this piece, I originally sketched it out approximately 10 years ago,with simple grey led pencil more than likely HB, today my drawings comprise of HB, graphite, 2B, 4B, F and H. So whilst working on it there was a bit of sitting around and visualizing the color and when it came to the black "tear drop" and the puddle/shadow around the bucket I had, what I call, a "fuck" moment, where I am at awe with what I see on the canvas as being exactly what I had in my head especially as the shadow/puddle was a on the spot thought bang there it is thing, than I just mimicked that around the tree, overall I am quite well pleased with this...

Revive

I have for a long time wanted to move some old drawings onto a canvas and know I have found the confidence in my skill to do so...hear is the start of the first of a few I have found....

F(L)AT WHITE

This piece is complete I just didn't want to post any intermittent shots of the work before I finished, but I forgot to take the final shot before I handed it over to the person who the portrait is of, he will be known as Mr R, and  he is a great friend and support. I thought of doing this out of sheer ambitious desire, apart from the recent one of myself I haven't really been in to doing portraits, but I have been attended some life drawing sessions where I think this "desire" was spawn....

The final shot is my work space, a little blurry but just the way things are when I paint "blurry"...it's bizarre how things can get out of focus when I'm right in it I don't even notice(unless they announce themselves) when people come in..

"matter"

"Matter" is complete....simply it is a picture of someones brains blown out, why would I paint that...I don't know it is just what I saw on the canvas so I did a rough in my journal and then completed it on the canvas. Like with "what's the Q" and "MYWW" I have been able to rough it out then project it proportionately on the canvas, it is a process I have, in the past, struggled with.

I am now endeavouring on doing a portrait of a mate, it just came to me, shit I should do a portrait of Mac. I removed "MYWW" from the frame and stretched out a new canvas from old material and am now in the process of priming it, which I quite enjoy as I feel it gives a whole lot more ownership to the work.